In An Oldster’s Mind
Along the hallway, I look straight forward and do nothing
like a plant. What factor causes the plant to move? I turn my head as if
I have seen my friend, a close friend passing my wheelchair. What I see
at the back actually is a nurse who is frightened by my active and rare
movement. When I look back again, the nurse has a already fallen onto
the floor. Screaming and nervousness spread out all over the floor.
Bang! The door close behind me.
Staring at the mirror, I used to count the number of wrinkles on my
forehead. They remind me the number of inerasable past events that I had
involved in. Rapidly, I climb on the bed. Bed is my lovely place. I call
it, the gymnasium.
I used to roll on my bed. Whenever my mind cannot function or do not
know what should do next, I would roll, roll and roll. This time is
unusual because my head is crashing the fence of the bed. It is not much
painful. The crash stops me rolling but starts me getting recall of my
friend, Angus. At a time, my brain is working like a computer loading an
enormous file. A picture is appearing - a guy is walking towards me and
gives me his saber. The saber is sharp and shiny, it reflects an
intensive light to my eyes. My eyes shutter reluctantly. I see my
school, my night school. I am glad that this recall is not being erased.
I remember that Angus sat beside me.
"Do your best. You are new to this subject. Everything here is brand new
to you. Don’t worry. Just try your best." Angus held up his head by his
hand and murmured. His eyes were staring on the page of a novel, but I
knew he was talking to me. In my class Angus was the only one who retook
the course. Everyday I attended the course because I would get the mark
of attendance. The teacher’s voice was gradually fading out until no
words I could hear. Everyday the whole course started and finished like
that.
At home I used to turn on the radio. Loneliness was my hatred. The
louder the radio, the more it comforted me. Reluctantly, I heard a
personal story from the radio. The voice of the caller seemed to be
familiar, but what was the purpose to figure it out. I didn’t care the
other people. My mind was full of my own anxiety. "… Suicide is not a
method to get your answer. Find your answer in the real life," the host
said.
The caller shared his unsatisfactory throughout the air without taking a
breath. The host did nothing to him with his talented mouth. The caller
spoke restlessly within a few minutes. Impatiently, the host was trying
to stop his speech, "Since it is the time for the commercial, our
conversation is threatening to terminate right now. Thanks for your
call, Angus." The radio was still on in my room but I was on the street.
I was cycling to the park, where once I saw Angus sitting on an unique
block of rock. That time his hand was holding a barbecue fork pointing
to the fish in the pond, seemed like preparing for his dinner.
Next day, anytime I met him, I could see a heavy book in his hand. In
the course, I knew he hadn’t brought his textbook but in his hand was
the unknown book. My curiosity led me into asking him about the book. He
murmured and introduced it, "I love this book. There are many past cases
of killings, kidnappings, suicides and that kind of excitement."
"You are preparing for out English independent study project, right?"
"No. I am preparing for kidnapping a girl."
"Stop joking. How about discussing your plan with me. Ha ha." I giggled
as I turned my head to the professor.
"I’m not kidding," he responded conscientiously. Since the time I had
not paid attention to what he said, I thought he just wanted the
lesson’s time to pass quickly.
I hadn’t seen Angus for a week. One days a person with a sunglasses
patted my shoulder when I was waiting for the bus after the class.
"You are joining my plan?" he murmured.
"What plan?" I had no idea what he was talking about. "Where have you
been? Did you drop the course?"
"I got a girl in my basement. She is ill. I need money to get
medication."
"Bring me to the girl." I stared at him with my suspicious eyes.
Going down the stair to the basement, I could hear the sobbing of the
girl. Under the flame of the candle light I recognized her. She was my
neighbour, Rebecca. Her eyes were swollen and I thought she could not
see my face. When I touched her, she shrank at the corner, trembling.
What were the consequences if releasing the girl right now or if keeping
her in the basement a few more days. These two questions were flashing
in my brain alternately. "The coming Saturday I will come over here and
decide what to do," I ordered Angus. "Make sure you leave her enough
clothing and give her proper meals."
I had thought about what that stupid thing we were doing all the time.
In that overnight to get done our group project. That night, I lied on
my bed in the basement and Angus went outside for a walk. I had thought
and wondered why Rebecca had never hit the locked door or screamed
raucously for help. I got up tip-toed into her room, unlocked the door,
searching something I could get the answer from, took out her stuff and
locked the door. Among her stuff, I found a diary. I read it over page
by page immorally. After reading, all her secrets and feelings were
exposed to my mind. I was going to talk to her the next morning.
"Are you OK? I want to talk to you," With my mask on, I unlocked the
door. I could see her mouth open like trying to say something but then
closed. "I know your name is Rebecca. I am sorry about… I have read your
diary."
"You read my diary! Read, read, read. Everybody read it. My da read it;
my ma read it. Do I need to explain what ‘personal stuff’ means?"
"Sorry, sorry. My evil mind has controlled me to do that. It is not an
excuse. I am just wondering why you have never screamed for help." My
hidden face turned red.
"You got the answer, right?" She sobbed.
I got closer to her and tried hard to settle her fluctuant mood down.
"Come out. Don’t get close to her!" Angus yelled and was juggling his
saber.
After the door was locked, he commanded me not to speak to Rebecca
again. His conscientious behaviour frightened me. I knew he was not
joking that time. However, I had talked to her regardless of Angus’
recommendation. I was beginning to realize her as days went by. I knew
why she had never screamed for help because she knew it was useless in a
room in the basement. I knew why she hated her parents because they had
never given her freedom and were always overly exact on everything. I
wanted to help her, released her.
Angus had asked me few times if I ever talked to Rebecca. He had been
suspecting me if I would betray him. Unfortunately, once when Angus
rushed down to the basement, I was talking to her. That time he had his
gun in his hand and also yelled, "I told you to leave her alone. You!
Spy! Tie her hands at the back."
"Take it easy! Angus, give me the gun. It is no use to point that gun to
us. Everything would be OK," I tried to persuade him.
"I … I also don’t want to kidnap her but I have heard her cursing her
parents. I hate her. I hate her not to cherish her parents. How about
me? Where are my parents? They passed away in a car accident." He put
the gun into his mouth and fired.
Everything has passed. After the kidnapping, Rebecca lived with her
parents in a small country. Two years ago I got the message of her
death. Now I am old. I still don’t know what an orphanage feels and
don’t have a desire to find it out. I only enjoys sitting on my
wheel-chair. I get nothing to do. Nothing I can recall, except the
suicide.
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